Show Notes

In part one of this two-part episode titled “Before You Say I Do,” we grappled with how to have nuanced conversations around lifestyle choices and goals, family and in-laws, and religion preferences, all before you get married. In part two, we dig a little deeper, starting with children and money.

 In this episode we cover:

• Intentions for having children

• Parenting styles & Child rearing goals

• Blended families

• Prenuptial Agreements

• Finances & money goals as a couple

Transcript

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (00:00):

You know, we're team cheeseburger today, or we're team kale today, right? So which one are you going to be? But when one, one person goes cheeseburger and the other person goes kale. Then we're not a team anymore. You know, maybe we can meet in the middle somewhere. I don't know. Maybe that's like a Turkey Burger.

Susan Greeley (00:11):

Isaiah. You're good at this. I'm going to remember that. Are you team kale? Are you team cheeseburger? That is that's classic. I love that.

[Theme Music]

Meredith Shirey (00:29):

Hey everyone. I'm Meredith Shirey. I'm a licensed psychotherapist specializing in relationship issues.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (00:36):

And I'm Isaiah Vallejo-Juste, a divorce attorney.

Meredith Shirey (00:37):

This is a podcast about filling in the gaps of our relationships, the deeply personal choices we make for our families and ourselves,

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (00:44):

And the impact that our actions have on the rest of our lives. This is Love Me or Leave Me.

Meredith Shirey (00:53):

Hey everyone. Welcome back. This is episode seven and for the first six episodes, some of our topics were a little heavy. So we wanted to do something different today. That would be really fun. And it just also happens to coincide with our first guests. We're so excited,

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (01:08):

Super excited, author, entrepreneur, nutritionist food guru. These are the words I'd use to describe our guests today, Susan Greeley. Who's a nutritionist. She's amazing, and one of the most positive people I know, and she's here today to help us keep it sexy and keep it healthy in our relationships. Welcome Susan!

Susan Greeley (01:25):

Wow! Thanks Isaiah. Thank you, Meredith. I'm really thrilled to be here.

Meredith Shirey (01:30):

Yeah, we're thrilled to have you, so Susan, can you tell us a little bit about your background? How did you get into nutrition?

Susan Greeley (01:35):

Oh, sure. That's a long story. Sure. We have time? No. Okay. All right. Okay. I'll give you the quick version. When I was a teenager, I spent a year abroad in Germany and I don't tell too many people this story. I was an exchange student and believe it or not in Germany, they are rather health conscious and the food there. And this was this, uh, I don't want to entirely date myself. Um, this was a long time ago and it was my introduction to fresh from the farm foods and whole grains, really everything. If you think of those heavy, dense German breads that I love. And so that got me interested. It was my senior year of high school. And then when I was in college, I was a chemistry major and I took a sprint course in nutrition. I know dry chemistry, wasn't really me. And so I'll talk about this being true to yourself. And I took the sprint nutrition course and I absolutely loved it. And it was at that moment really that I decided to go and study nutrition 30 years later.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (02:35):

Right now with the way everything is kind of going. I know for me, the struggle is real. We're at home all the time and I want it. I want pizza and I want burgers. And you know, my family wants to kind of the same thing. You know, you're talking about dense German bread and things like that. How do we control ourselves in this mode of environment that we're in.

Susan Greeley (02:51):

Manage the COVID cravings you mean?

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (02:52):

Manage the COVID cravings.

Meredith Shirey (02:54):

COVID cravings.

Susan Greeley (02:55):

They are crazy because people want comfort food. So that's a really relevant, fabulous question. And I know it's a tricky one for a lot of people these days, because that little app on your phone to get takeout is way too easy to use and same with any type of ordering out. But I think at this point, so here we are, what 10, 11 months into this pandemic. And I think in that acute phase that stress got to people and things just went totally off. And then we got into the chronic phase where a lot of people recognize, okay, these are not sustainable, bad habits that I've gotten into. So how do I turn it around? And it's not easy. And it does take a conscious decision on a day-to-day basis. So this is what I work with people on. There are no quick and easy fixes necessarily. Isaiah. However, I do really like to tell people to take a step back, like take a deep breath and say, we're going to get through this. And the best way to support yourself right now is to really make diet a priority. Meaning your daily diet, the foods you eat, your nutrition probably matters more now than it ever did, or at least people are listening to when I talk about that, which makes me happy because I really like showing people that it's easier than they think to eat a healthy diet on a daily basis. Then you feel better. You have better energy, you sleep better, you have better relationships and that's proven if you eat junk, then you could really feel lousy. And your mood swings may kind of go out of control for some people. So it's all tied together. And that said, whether you're out at grocery stores or still ordering home delivered, then it's, you have to prioritize. Isaiah knows. I say this a lot. What I call the high water content foods, meaning fruits, vegetables, get in the salads, even if it means frozen foods. So there's just a lot of tips that I could give listeners and people in general is what I talk about day in and day out to really support them through this truly crazy unprecedented time for all of us.

Meredith Shirey (04:54):

When does comfort food end up actually declining your mental health and ends up being counterproductive? Because we were talking about how, and I'm sure you've seen this, but there's this just onslaught of depression. I actually have to have this, this conversation multiple times a week with clients where most people would probably meet criteria for depression right now, especially with the isolation, lack of motivation, those things. And it's all just because of the circumstance, we're all in and finding joy can be hard. So when they tell me like, you know, I had a cookie I'm like, listen, if that cookie gave you joy, then like great go for it. But I realize now, like based on what you're saying, I might actually be hurting them if I'm saying that.

Susan Greeley (05:31):

I think it's the way you're framing it for them. Meredith is actually perfect. And I, if that does bring you joy in that moment, that one cookie. And I think that that's actually a key point to make there is have these set treats for yourself rather than it just be any day, any time. And they're just part of your normal daily routine, right? Then you don't appreciate it. It's kind of like the highs and lows. You can't appreciate the highs unless you have the lows. So, you know, reserve the treats for that, where it's going to be a pick me up and bring you a little joy. And I have these conversations a lot too, because just as anybody else, I want my treats and I just don't make them regular foods. So they still maintain that, you know, being special and not going overboard with it, finding the moderation and balance in this day to day where we've lost a lot of boundaries between work and our personal lives. And so those boundaries kind of have, have gone out the wayside with our diets too.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (06:34):

I probably speak for many people when I say, well, have you ever tried to just have one cookie really? Or just, or just one Oreo? So how is it that we, you know, we're, we're bombarded with this great food and we're kind of at home and maybe a little depressed and somebody like me says, Oh, one Oreo is nice.

Susan Greeley (06:51):

All right. I got to throw in a rhyme. Yeah, you gotta, you got to water the root to eat the fruit. So like, yeah, you gotta focus on your base diet, some healthy habits. And that's a great point. Isaiah, with knowing yourself is really the key. And there are some people who can do moderation and plenty who cannot. I think Isaiah knows that I often work with people to find a really, um, call it a palatable replacement. In other words, if you know, the cookies are a trigger for you don't even go there. The Pringles don't pop that lid. That's my kids, by the way, forget it Doritos, Pringles of savory snacks. And there are plenty of other foods that you can find though, that are satisfying, but just don't like hijack your brain. I think preventing what I call those a pizza pitfall, a Pringles pitfall, whatever it is that you're just not going to feel well after is really important and still finding other foods that you're like, wow, yeah, that was indulgent. And I feel so much better.

Meredith Shirey (07:48):

Hi, my name is Meredith. I'm going to confess to having done Oreo overdose. There is at least a week or two where I ate Oreos for dinner, like three nights in a row.

Susan Greeley (07:56):

Oh no. And I'll bet you did not feel so good after.

Meredith Shirey (08:00):

I mean, I justified it because I was also doing yoga like crazy. So I was like, well, whatever. But since then, I've learned that to your point about, okay, if I know I'm going to go ham on these Oreos, I cannot have Oreos in my house because I know I will eat an entire row, but maybe you can have a pint of ice cream and.

Meredith Shirey (08:15):

No, that's not good either.

Susan Greeley (08:17):

Wow. Though, is not as bad as a gallon. I can always put a positive spin on it. Right. Okay. So portion portions. Absolutely. I did want to mention though, you were talking about the mental health crisis and it really is a crisis. And I think we have to talk about it. People are, are really, I said this too. I have teenage kids. I have four kids, four boys and they're suffering. And my son's like, no, mom, I'm mentally strong. And I said, you are suffering though. Like all your peers, all the friends you are, or you're missing out on so many things right now. And it's okay to say that. I said, even just socially, emotionally, physically, you're not exercising. So I, I talk about these things and also really try and, you know, bring in both foods that they like and encourage them to get out every day and, and move for God's sakes, move, you know, move your body, get some fresh air.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (09:08):

I see the same things in my kids. And I think my kids are a little younger than, than yours Susan. And you know, and then they're very picky eaters to kind of begin with. I don't know my daughter at the age of two, she said nothing green. And she meant it, and she meant it

Susan Greeley (09:22):

She stuck with it. That strong will

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (09:24):

What I find, and maybe you can tell me what you find, but what I find sometimes as I'm making three dinners and then we have allergies in my house, it's a dairy allergy, gluten allergy, I'm relatively normal, but we make a pasta dish and Italian dish. There's three different things going on three different pots. So are there any strategies that we can have when we're dealing with kind of like these picky eaters and like the kids who don't want to eat certain things and that, but the parents are trying to do better.

Susan Greeley (09:46):

It's different in every household. I know I could talk about this for a very long time and that's why a lot of things have to be personalized. However, what I will say is I have that going on in my house, the taste preferences and the allergies as well. I actually cook for me if that makes sense. So, and this took me many years to get there where I prioritize my own health and my own diet because the parent must put on their life jacket first. Right? You gotta take your oxygen mask down, take care of yourself before you can take care of the others. So basically what I say, and I hope this helps. If you have young kids, they don't need as many vegetables as you do. Like you're a bigger person, your nutritional needs are bigger. So first of all, like it's okay if they have a couple of days where they don't even have that vegetable, believe it, or not more importantly, I make a plate that is giving them a great example of what constitutes a really healthy diet. So in other words, my plate does have the huge salad on it and the vegetables. And then let's say the meat, the starch, and then the veggie and salad. So even if they only end up with a plate of the starch, I eat a mountain of mashed potatoes. They at least see that, you know, and because maybe the other dish is something they can't have or like is loaded in cheese and they don't like cheese or they're allergic to it or whatever it is. The allergy question is a little trickier and most families do get to a place where they can manage that. But the taste preferences, good Lord. Like there's a lot going on. So that's what I say to parents in general, call it the adults in the household. If you do have children make that meal for you first.

Meredith Shirey (11:15):

I'm curious too, to go back to the mental health piece. If you've got a kid who's a picky eater, have you noticed them increasing or has that pickiness exacerbated in any way?

Susan Greeley (11:24):

I think a lot of those issues are exacerbated now. Absolutely call it patients practices come in and this is really, I don't have any, you know, profound words of wisdom on this because some days are just easier than others. And we all, you know, we all have our cycles, however, um, really honoring. And I say this speaking specifically as a parent, that the kids back to them, not like quote unquote suffering and not being able to necessarily express what's going on. Right. They can't express how they're feeling. And so it comes out in other ways. And even I have to take a lot of deep breaths and a lot of step back. And I do a lot of meditation. I go up to my bedroom like, because I can't necessarily deal with what's going on with them sometimes and giving them the space and even the acting out it's, it's not easy if we studied it right now and could capture that data. I would say that there's so much more of that going on.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (12:19):

What about the actual couple? I find like sometimes you only as good or as bad as, as your partner, my wife and I have discovered the joys of like popcorn and wine. And I didn't know that popcorn and wine went so well together. Right? So it's a thing that we enjoy, but maybe it's not something that we should do or what are kind of the strategies there where kind of like your partner in life, maybe enables you a little bit

Susan Greeley (12:42):

We thrive on those relationships though and support. So you develop healthy habits together. And then on the flip side, and when it is crossing over the boundaries into enabling a bad behavior, that's where it really takes. If you don't have an outside person such as like Meredith as a counselor or me as your nutritionist, then it requires one person in the relationship and it could, it could change on a day-to-day basis to say, look, this is, we enjoy this. And I had this conversation earlier with a couple. They like their before dinner, happy hour. And I said that before dinner, happy hour, spending that time together and talking is really important. And I think it's a very positive thing. It's just that when the types of foods, you know, have gotten out of control or the alcohol has gone beyond quote unquote moderation that you have to decide together and support each other. Because if you, if you want to feel good and be healthy, then you have to have your own limits.

Meredith Shirey (13:36):

This is something that I have to work with couples on constantly the prioritizing time for them taking time as a couple. And even what you were saying before about taking time for you putting your own oxygen mask on first, that's so important, but what happens if you have competing goals where maybe one person is really trying to improve fitness and the other person is not interested at all, do you have any tips for maybe the person who's working on their fitness to not feel discouraged.

Susan Greeley (13:57):

Open communication, which isn't easy, they're uncomfortable conversations, and it's really stating your needs. Let's say, you're the person who is now saying, I need to prioritize my fitness routine and I don't need a big dinner. And I'm sorry, that's now impacting our family dinner. Or you wanting to sit down like right now and have this big meal with me, but I'm not there. So this, this is an actual example. This comes up for people. And what I say is having that conversation with the spouse who is resentful and it's not easy. And maybe that one person's resentful the other isn't, but just really having this open communication and conversation that is uncomfortable because you're in a mode of changing for the healthier, and it's a priority. Nobody's going to argue with that. When you say, look, I love you and I want to be healthier for me and for you and our family, who's going to argue that, be like, Oh no,.

Meredith Shirey (14:55):

If you're the person who's getting healthy and you become resentful of the fact that your partner is not, yeah, that's something I see a lot where, where people come in and say, okay, how do I tell my partner? I'm no longer attracted to them because they put on weight or something like that.

Susan Greeley (15:08):

I don't get involved in those conversations.

Meredith Shirey (15:11):

I'll send you the Meredith. Like you can talk about the, on her couch.

Susan Greeley (15:14):

Exactly. I'm like Meredith is more appropriate right now. Things like those do come up. And it's funny just in general, like your scope of practice. Because as a nutritionist, dietician of zillion years at director wellness, to understand the person as a whole in their family and to get the whole picture of their, their life and their relationships. And then know when to say, you know, I think you would benefit from another counselor therapist or something. And, and sometimes I do, I don't want to, but can get in between spouses. So I don't always often like to work with both. Spouses are certainly not on the same call. I've had some awkward situations. It's like therapists too, you're the worst person in the middle. I'm like, not an easy role.

Meredith Shirey (15:55):

But if it's a health thing where you've gotten so unhealthy that it's now impacting our family, you've got limited mobility or you've had some health issues that have caused some financial strain, or again, you're not able to do the same things that you used to, in my opinion. Anyway, I think it's okay then for you to say to your partner, I love you. And I want you to continue being around for a family and I'm worried about you. So it's coming from a place of support and how can I support you in getting healthier versus the person who's purely aesthetic? And it's like, well, you know, they put on some weight, but the other person is actually happy with the weight. Then I try to say, well, you need to learn to love around that because if they're happy and they're healthy in their mind, and it's not impacting you and your family negatively, then that's part of the cost of admission for being with this person.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (16:38):

I know for me personally, everything is a team effort. Or you trying to make everything a team effort anyway? And I think what happens in relationships probably, and you guys can probably speak more to it than I could. Is that when you approach things from like a team dynamic, like, you know, we're team cheeseburger today, or we're team kale today, right? So which one you're going to be, but when one person goes cheeseburger and the other person goes kale, then we'll say, well, we're not a team anymore. You know, maybe we can meet in the middle somewhere. I don't know. Maybe that's like a Turkey burger,

Susan Greeley (17:02):

Isaiah. You're good at this. I'm going to remember that. Are you team kale? Are you team cheeseburger? That's classic. I love that. I, I want kale my burger or maybe sauteed spinach,

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (17:14):

But you know, the problem is that who, who picks scene kale, right? Like if you had a choice, we're all on team cheeseburger. Like, how are you not on team cheeseburger.

Susan Greeley (17:22):

So I love my kale salads. I have to say. And they can be, I was going to say sexy. They can be.

Meredith Shirey (17:28):

okay. What are your tips for making kale sexy so that maybe you can make someone feel like cheeseburger is less attractive.

Susan Greeley (17:35):

All right, you have to massage the kale. Yeah. You need a good olive oil got to get in there and massage it. So do I need to say more? You tear off the stems. You don't want any of the hard stems. You get huge of the kale that I've pulled apart. And then I drizzle it with a really good olive oil and I do sea salt. And then you start to literally massage it. So it softens. And then I add all sorts of other delicious things, such as goat, cheese, honey, crisp Apple, and some pumpkin seeds, a good balsamic vinegar. And there are lots of infused balsamic, vinegars. I personally love a little garlic powder and I have hilarious discussions about it because if you're a food purist, you want real fresh garlic. Of course I love fresh garlic, but there's nothing easier than sprinkling a little garlic powder on your salad as well. And then you, you know, you still massage it and it will melt in your mouth.

Meredith Shirey (18:28):

Can we come over to your house for dinner.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (18:30):

You know Susan, you did the impossible. You made kale sound delicious to me. Like I want to go, I want to go out after this podcast right now. And I want to get myself some kale and make myself this kale salad.

Meredith Shirey (18:42):

So now we know the secret for Isaiah, right? You just have to, you have to sweet talk it. You have to flirt with it a little.

Susan Greeley (18:48):

Okay. And you have to put love. So it's all about love. And you have to put love into the food that you make. And then it definitely tastes better.

Meredith Shirey (18:56):

I love that.

New Speaker (18:57):

And then, because I'm all about balance and compromise and moderation, I would probably make a delicious, I like regular burgers, but I also like Turkey burger. So I would probably make you a burger and serve that amazing kale salad on the side instead of French fries.

Meredith Shirey (19:14):

I think that peaked his interest. Look at that.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (19:16):

I'm getting inspired for dinner tonight.

Susan Greeley (19:18):

I know Isaiah loves to cook. I know he's also not a huge fan of salad. So there you go. Did I just call you out on that? Yeah. Did I call him out On that?

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (19:27):

It's all true. It's all true, I confess.

Meredith Shirey (19:29):

See, that's where Isaiah will have me beat every single time, because we talked about this too, that I am a chronic Seamless-er Isaiah talks about cooking and it makes your mouth water. He's got some good stuff.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (19:40):

So Susan, what's the advice you have for the Seamless-ers out there.

Susan Greeley (19:44):

I was racking my brain, as you're saying that Meredith. So this is so common that plenty of people who are alone and don't like to cook for one. And I talk to lots of clients about that every day. I think there can be a happy medium. It depends on who you are, your level of cooking skills. Of course. And even that salad though, I'm talking about Meredith. It is not time consuming and it's actually more assembling than cooking. Take baby steps, like everything else and say, you know what? I'm spending too much money. Budgetary constraints sometimes are motivating. And then I like to tell people to just pick one recipe, whether, I mean, we're all out there on social media. There's beautiful food photos, no matter what let's say, you're on Instagram. I don't know who you follow, but find one thing that appeals to you. And my other tip is I think Isaiah does this do, like, we've talked a lot about food. We both live in New Jersey. It is the garden state. There's amazing fresh foods and farms and local markets and join some sort of a CSA, which is community supported agriculture, or get like a farm box delivered. And then you're forced to, and that's awesome. And then you can actually reach out to me and say, Susan, I got X, Y, and Z in my box. What the heck do I do with it? And I'll give you one quick and easy recipe. I promise.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (20:55):

You know, if we had one thing that you could tell people, you know, 2021 is just started. Everybody's got their resolutions and all of that. So if there's one thing people could do to live a healthier lifestyle, what would that thing be?

Susan Greeley (21:10):

You really take time could be today, could be tonight, could be that, you know, right after you've listened to this to sit down and truly think about one aspect of your life or your health that you want to improve. So your wellness vision visualizing you in this better, healthier place. It just in one aspect of your life, whether it's, you know, in an exercise school, sleeping better, better relationships, losing weight, simply eating better, think of one area and set a goal on that. I'm a big fan of the smart goals, the small achievable, realistic goals. And that's the most important thing. You don't even have to put the timeframe on it. You know, the T and the smart goals, forget the time because that puts pressure on people. Sometimes it's really just have this wellness vision. And I think you can actually muster up the feelings of how much better you're going to feel once you're there. And those positive feelings are going to motivate you before the action, get those feelings and that vision in place and work towards it. The diet matters eating too late at night. I'm going to spin it over to Isaiah and his popcorn and wine. Doesn't have to be bad. I do say though, that the later gets into the evening. You know, if it's right before bed, chances are, you're not sleeping well. And a lot of people get, you know, I can't even tell you how many people have told me they have reflux for God's sakes during, since COVID, I'm like, it's all that late night snacking. So the timing does matter. I call sleep a superpower. I say this repeatedly, because if you don't sleep well, then it impacts every aspect of the next day. It's hard to resist. If you've conditioned yourself to eating snacking late at night, it's like time where you have this let down after a long, stressful day, whatever it is.

Susan Greeley (22:50):

However, if you can resist you wake up the next day and you start your day with a good breakfast, you know, you look forward to it. Then the more days you can do that, guaranteed, you're sleeping better and have better energy. I don't skip breakfast. Like no matter what, with this intermittent fasting and all that, that's not the meal to skip. Even if it's a little bit later, I think it's really important to start your day with some good calories, such as I'm a big oatmeal with lots of fresh fruit and flaxseed and things like that .

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (23:17):

Is that a function of the time in which you go to sleep. So should it be a set amount of hours before you go to sleep? Or is it a function of time? Period.

Susan Greeley (23:24):

It's a function of time before you go to sleep. Everybody has a different circadian rhythm. Some people truly are night owls. If you're somebody who goes to bed at 1:00 AM, and the last time you eat is nine or 10:00 PM, it's pretty good. Like four hours is what I say last time you eat. Do I always achieve that? No. However, I strive for that. And I do notice the nights that I eat dinner, I'm done eating by 8:00 PM and I typically am up until midnight. I sleep well. Well, I sleep well anyway, because that's the priority, but not eating in those four hours, if you can, before your bedtime. And when you look at that, that's, it's hard to do sometimes.

Meredith Shirey (23:59):

Wow. This is, this has been so helpful, Susan. Um, thank you so much for all this help information again, I think that, especially when we're in the woes of winter and round, I don't know, two, five, seventeen of this pandemic who knows where we are. I think during this time, yeah, everything that you're saying is so helpful and so applicable. So if people want to get in contact with you, how can they do that?

Susan Greeley (24:19):

Oh, I love that. Okay. So I am foodmedRDN on Instagram because I do believe food is medicine. Um, and I also have a website www.susangreeley.com. And so those are two ways to find me on social media. And, and then I want to mention my call it real job. I am a national director of wellness services for a concierge medicine company called CCPHP, Meredith. And I have launched a podcast myself called A SENSe of Wellness and very excited to get that out to people. And that will be on Spotify and Apple podcasts as well. So that is, can be also be found ccphp.net/sens/podcast. Hard to say that was a mouthful and it's sleep. The S.E.N.S is for sleep, exercise, nutrition, and stress, and then, um, podcasts. So in any case, I'm, I'm out there and I would love to connect with people.

Meredith Shirey (25:22):

Yeah. We really hope that people will listen to your podcasts after this. Um, and hopefully we can have you back at some point too.

Susan Greeley (25:28):

I'd be thrilled. You know, I can tell, they know that I can talk food and wellness and health all day. This has been a lot of fun.

Isaiah Vallejo-Juste (25:36):

This was every bit as fun as I thought it would be Susan you're a inspirationl to me personally, and I'm sure to many people out there and I highly encourage everybody to contact you. And you've done the impossible again. You've made kale sexy.

Susan Greeley (25:53):

That's my mission. I love it. Thank you. That honors me actually.

[Theme Music]

Rich Hackman [Producer] (26:06):

Love Me or Leave Me is a podcast production of the board brand. This podcast is for informational purposes only. It does not constitute medical or legal advice and is not a substitute for professional consultation, diagnoses or treatment. Always follow up with a licensed attorney or healthcare professional who can address your specific needs. Thanks for listening.